“What do we say to the God of Death?” “Not Today.”
Holy shit what a ride last nights episode of Game of Thrones was. After 2 important but pretty bland set up episodes to start off the finals season, the payoff came in and it was absolutely sick. What an absolute thrill ride this was. If you’re the only person on the planet who didn’t watch the episode last night and don’t want any spoilers then I suggest you stop reading now and go watch it.
The episode starts with Samwell’s indecisive ass trying to nut up and join the fight rather than go down in the crypts as everyone prepares to fight the White Walkers and the Night King. The Dothraki are the front men and they’re ready to tear into some frozen zombie ass. The Red Woman, Melisandre, then shows up and lights all the Dothraki’s swords on fire and now we’re ready to rock. The Dothraki storm into the battle and it’s not good. From a distance we see all their flames start to go out as Daenerys and Jon Snow watch from a mountain top on their dragons. Dany can’t stand to see the sight of her people die anymore so she & Jon takes off and now we’re in full swing in this fight.
The deaths to the major characters in this episode were pretty great with the exception of Theon which I thought was quite fitting seeing as he’s not that great anyway.
1. Lady Mormont – Death by Giant.
Everyone’s favorite little bad ass went out in one of the most bad ass ways possible. A Giant who was resurrected as a White Walker picks her up, squeezes her so tight that all her bones shatter and she’s coughing up blood, but before she goes, she stabs that goombah in the eye and takes him out. They both fall to their deaths in epic fashion
2. The Night King – Death by Stark
Arya tried to hit the Night King with an RKO out of no where last night, but just as NK was about to choke slam her through Brans wheelchair, she dropped the dagger to her other hand and gutted him like a goddamned fish. Arya’s training has been one of the best storylines of the entire series and to see her pull of killing the Night King like that was something awesome.
3. Jorah Mormont – Death by Pussy
All series it’s been no secret that Jorah would die for Dany because he wants to tap that ass so badly and that’s exactly what happened. The Night King resurrected a bunch of fallen soldiers around Dany leaving her pretty much screwed and her dragon was fleeing the scene as well with about 100 walkers on his back. Who came to save the day? Jorah, except by the end of it, he ended up dead by saving the girl he lusted for who could’ve been his grandaughter.
4. Dolorous Edd – Death by Saving Fatty
The death that kicked off the slaughter. Edd died trying to save his buddy ‘ol pal Samwell, because well, Sam sucks at fighting. Tubby has a lot of heart but he should’ve just been in the crypts.
5. Theon Greyjoy – Death by Thank God He’s Finally Dead
Okay, I get it. Redemption stories are fun. Theon betrayed his real family, the Starks, got all them killed, murdered two little kids and hung them up to dry to “prove he was a leader”. Then my man Ramsey Bolton got his hands on him, snatched his dick like Aqib Talib snatches chains and turns him into his dog, Reek. Not to mention the slow motion of him running towards the NK only for him to casually snap his spear and shove it in his gut so easily made it pretty anti-climatic.
6. Melisandre – Death By Being Old AF
Melisandre’s death is last on the list simply because she just passed away like the old woman she was. Her purpose was important, her role was great, and her time came. It just wasn’t exciting which is why it’s last.
So there it is. Next week my girl Cersei will be back in the mix to clean up the scraps of this mess and keep what is rightfully hers, the Iron Throne.